I'm Taking a Seat on the Couch...

I've been gone for a long time. There could be many reasons why I haven't posted in so long. It's probably a combination of a few things. My schedule...My crappy camera (who wants to see blurry pictures on a blog?)...The fact that I don't want to spend as much time on the computer...All of those are valid reasons. But really, I think it comes down to the fact that I have an ever present feeling that basically goes like this: "No one really wants to hear what I have to say". Not to be melodramatic or anything, but that's just kind of how I've felt my whole life. I don't want to make this sound like something huge and theatrical - because I've survived and thrived in my life just fine feeling like this. It's just that sometimes when I really should say something, I don't. I don't because I don't feel like anyone would really care, and/or I would be annoying them.

I've kind of analyzed myself, and my analysis leads me to believe that it probably stems from my birth order. Go figure! I am the 4th of 5. But my older 3 siblings were all extremely close in age, then a 6 year gap...then me. Then a 7 year gap, and my little brother. Anyway, I grew up being the one that was always "too young to go". My siblings would go to a movie...Allyson is too young to go. My siblings would go to hang out with friends...Allyson is too young to go. My siblings would have fun conversations about things...but Allyson was too young to really understand or contribute. My siblings would stay up late and play games...Allyson was too young to do that. Allyson was the cute little sister whom everyone would pat on the head and send on her way without thinking to ask her what was on her mind. Now, none of this was done intentionally. I love my siblings. I grew up in a loving home. They were always kind to me, and we still get along. But to THIS DAY, at family gatherings, I still don't contribute a whole lot to the conversation. I've just kind of stayed in the role I had my entire childhood. Funny, huh. I behave exactly how I've been expected to behave my whole childhood. And it's not that I've ever had major issues with self esteem, or considered myself to be 'too dumb/unworthy to be heard' or anything like that. It's simply that I don't want to bug people, so I don't say things when I should. And then when I do say things, the whole time I'm thinking to myself, "They really don't care...they probably just want to go about their day and I'm annoying them." Then they'll do or say something that of course I interpret as them not caring...and my little 'glitch', if you will, is fed. I probably sound so neurotic.

I've never felt like this in my marriage. In general, Jon will always listen to what I say and I never feel like I'll be annoying by letting him know my thoughts. But in other situations, my little "glitch" has manifested itself. I've been in church meetings where I've had some thoughts that I've considered sharing....but decided no one would really care. (My husband MORE than compensates for my lack of commenting in Sunday School - love ya! :) ) I've been in Dr's apts. where I've thought of something I might want to say. Then I decide it's no big deal and I don't say it. I've watched women I thought I'd love to get to know, but I never say anything. You can guess why. I've known this about myself for quite a while (thank you Kristy Ragsdale) but haven't really done anything about it. I've never really decided if I needed to. Like I said, I've functioned very well my whole life thinking like this. I've probably been saved from many unnecessary arguments, and from making some offensive comments. BUT, I've also missed countless opportunities to help others simply because I thought I would be too big of a bother if I called or stopped by.

So I've decided I'm going to change. The deciding moment came, as superficially as this may sound, at the hair salon. I was there on Saturday just for a trim. When I made the apt, I didn't think I would have time to do color too. As it turns out, I did have time. When I got there, I sat in one of the benches to wait for my gal to finish with her current client. I thought, "I should ask her if she has time to do my color too." Next thought: "No...I don't want to bug her. She probably has things to do and wouldn't want to." So it's my turn. She washes my hair, sets me in the chair and begins trimming. During the course of the conversation, I find out she would have been happy to do my color that day had I asked before she washed my hair. So now I'm going back tomorrow for my color...all because I couldn't muster up enough courage to say "I know I'm only scheduled for a cut today, but do you have time to do my color too?"

One of the reasons you haven't seen any new posts is because I write something, then, with the mouse arrow pointed over the "PUBLISH POST" button, I sit and think, "Now, really...no one is going to want to read this" Or "This is really a dumb thing to post about". I know, I know...blogging is supposed to be a good thing for ME, and who cares if others will read your post, right? True true true. But I can't escape feeling like I'm bugging others by posting! SO...I've decided that on my journey to feeling like what I say counts, I'm going to have to force myself to simply say what I think! Here's my plan: I'm going to post my thoughts on something EVERY DAY for a month. Some days I'm sure my post will be one sentence, and other days a lot longer. I'm not looking for validation from anyone, so don't feel like you have to comment at all. I'm simply trying to get myself more comfortable with expressing my thoughts to everyone. This is my self imposed therapy. :) Hopefully along the way I can learn some things, share some things, and grow as a person.

After reading all that, I probably sound like a hopeless nutcase...but if I do, I don't care! Those are my thoughts and feelings...Too bad if it bugs you!